Dissection of a Rant

Alright I'm back and ready to roll. I've got a good rant stashed up and I'm feeling obnoxious enough  to tell it. Now this post is going to have a twist. While ranting I will dissect and explain the important points of a rant so you all can be as funny as me.

Haha, I just made myself laugh.
Alright here we go:
(The story will be in RED and the dissection in BLUE)

 Last night I was up studying for a test in psychology the next day. It was a huge test, 300 pages of materials covered in it. No biggie, I'm a freaking super genius. I read 300 pages before I go to bed every night. Right after I bend spoons with my mind and before I do my thousand push-ups. So I'm not worried. I eventually get done studying and decide that it's time to catch some Z's in before I rock this test.

Introduction: In the introduction of a rant you want to sound like nothing out of the normal. Instill a sense of normalcy in the situation. As you can see above I've just described just another normal, boring night for myself. Although admittedly that may not be what happened that night. I didn't bend spoons that, I think it may have been transmuting lead to gold.

Next morning I wake up naturally, my alarm didn't go off, and I felt rested. Awesome. This means I have time for breakfast before I blow this test out of the water. So I grab some food and walk into the lecture hall. I'm early, shweet! I sit down and start thinking over the material again and realize something. Today has been amazing.

This makes me nervous.

Realization of the Odd: Alright, here you begin to develop the conflict in the rant. You want to be subtle and not blow your punchline. Try and identify the correct method yourself!

A)  Then I realized her stomach was bulging a little.

                          -or-

 B) Then I realized, THE BITCH WAS PREGNANT!!! AAHHHHHHHH!

Good! You chose right!

Moving right along then...

I was right to be nervous. The morning was filled with good karma because this test had soaked up all of the evil on the entire campus. If Vlad the Impaler and Joseph Stalin had an illegitimate love child this test would still have kicked it back into the womb. You have never taken a test this difficult, it was like your last chemistry test, in Italian.

Insane Exaggeration: You're all smart people, most of you can figure this one out. But for Patrick's sake I'll explain in more detail. The goal is not to make the focus of your story seem ridiculous so much as it is to make the most ridiculous references. References to semi-obscure historical figures or people's mothers adds to the effect, while referencing recent movies and T.V. shows negates it.

 So there I am, sulking out of class, head stooped in shame and spirit broken by the demon test. There is no comfort in sight. The test will not be curved and there are no bonus points. Which leaves me with one option: Arson. Now I know what you're thinking "But Beierle, you can't light the lecture hall on fire!" And I would agree, that would be silly, the tests are probably kept in the professors office.

Completly Ridiculous Conclusion: This is the highlight of the story. Your joke is over and people expect for things to be winding down, but no! Milk it for all its worth! But be wary, if the story isn't going well its best to let it die. No one likes the rambling idiot who tells horrible stories, laughs at himself, is short, has small hands, sits in bow seat, and is Daniel Collier. 

No one likes Daniel Collier.

Does anyone know where I can buy some fire?

Whitty Closing remark: Enough said.

Well there you go! Now you can all make ranting blogs and stop bothering me whenever you need to be entertained. Needy people...

Beierle out

P.S. On a more serious note I'm not sure how many people actualy read this and if its worth it to keep it up. Leave me a comment if you do. Thanks!

P.S.S. I'm only mean to Dan because I have a crush on you man! I'm mean to Patrick because he's a dick.