So this is it. My first post. I feel like I just gave birth to some bastard child that will embarrass me in the future. You know, the kind of kid that runs around at the family reunion with his underwear on his head screaming the batman theme song with as much noise as his little body can muster up. Which will be a lot of noise if the brat is at all related to me...
But enough with the passing thoughts, time for some serious matters. I have a shocking announcement for today, there has been discovered a conspiracy against my sanity. A conspiracy that includes both my family and closest friends, and rivals that of Watergate and the Da Vinci Code. We shall call it CODE NAME: MAGNETIC STORM.
As I'm sure you all took note of as you were mailing your presents, *cough*, my birthday is fast approaching, and is my first away from home. My family was distraught! How could they possibly heckle and abuse me if I was in Vermont and they in Oklahoma? For countless sleepless nights they up toiled late, plotting my inevitable torment. And what did they come up with? CODE NAME: MAGNETIC STORM, of course. Their dastardly plan involved contacting everyone they knew, and some they didn't, and having them send me a magnet for my college fridge. At this point you're saying to yourself, "But Jake, they just love you is all! And they want you to know how many people care for you!" Do not doubt for one moment that these are LIES!!! What that nice little voice inside your head doesn't know is the total surface area of my fridge is the same as two Mini Coopers, or for they layman, about a 5 pack of bubble gum.
So as I fight to find places to put my mound of fridge magnets I leave you with one though. All of you out there showering me with your "love," be warned. I will retaliate. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but the day of reckoning is coming. Retribution will be mine, and it will be sweet...
It will be sweet.
P.S.- To the family who sent me the Christmas "Support our Troops" magnet: Really? Its September. Buy a calender. You know who you are...
